Seeking Desideratum

Religion is Bullshit

2011-09-09T15:52:00.000-07:00

"Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money!"

Trying to find a living comedian like this man. I can't find one.

Surprised

2011-04-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from my mother that, was, well, unexpected. We've been communicating through email since the horrible episode a month ago, despite a few attempts to get me on the phone. Well, after a recent exchange of emails, I noticed a real shift in tone. My mother actually admitted to the abuse. She even used the word "abuse" and apologized. She acknowledged my need for space, and told me about her new medication and treatment she was receiving.

I'm scared. I know I shouldn't be. I should be happy there seems to be an improvement with her. The thing is I've never done this before. So I don't know what the right thing to do is. I want to have that sliver of hope that we could have a normal relationship, but I'm am scared to do that because I don't want to hurt again. This is the first time I've essentially "cut her off." I've read that I need to treat codependents like addicts; tell them to get help or limit the relationship. I finally did that and she seems to kind of "get it." She has never "got it" before.

I was very frank and honest with her the past two days, which is unexpected of me because when I have been honest in the past, she hasn't taken it well or just picked pieces of what I said or wrote and argued with me. So I was so surprised, when I explained to her that I just can't blame myself that the only relationship I can have with my mother is through email. I can't blame myself for the fact that I don't trust her. I was very honest and I got a very tempered and close to rational response from her. Which is kind of a big deal.

Facebook Religion Update and Those Scary Atheists

2011-04-10T18:14:00.000-07:00

After some confusion, a funny email from my mother, and some introspective pondering after listening to Alan Watts lectures, I found myself changing my description of my religious leanings on facebook, yet again. Here it is:

Also, I know people don't like the term "atheist," but I find myself comfortable using it in the context of being asked "what is your religion?" If someone is asking me about "my religion," they are assuming a couple of things.

1. I believe in some sort of supernatural force, deity, etc.

2. I engage in rituals associated with these beliefs.

For one, I am not ashamed to answer I "disbelieve in deities" (i.e. atheist). While I also like the term "secular humanist," I don't like it to answer the religion question because I frankly DO NOT associate secular humanism with religion. I think in a general sense, it answers more philosophical and ethical questions rather than theistic ones. And while I know that atheism isn't a religion either, it addresses the assumptions I listed up above in what I find to be a more upfront manner. The reason I bring this up is because I recently read "An Accidental Atheist" on Leah's blog, and after reading the post as well as some of the comments, I started contemplating why people avoid the word even though they might be it. I avoided the word myself for a long time, and wrote a little about coming to terms with it here. Now I have to be fine with the fact that while I have become more comfortable with the term, there are some people who will never be comfortable with it.

And though I have used the term "pantheist" in the past, I started to realize that I had to start to making a clear distinction between dualistic pantheism and non dualistic pantheism. I don't think there is a separate "entity" or theos that gives life or a spirit to the universe, and so I really try to drive home the fact that when I relate to pantheism, it is only in a non dualist, scientific sense, which I think leads to more explaining, which sometimes I just don't feel like doing. To me, the universe is just the universe.

I have been having quite a few discussions with my husband about it. He won't call himself an atheist, but when we discuss nature, the cosmos, religion, spirituality, etc. we have essentially very similar if not the same view of religion and nature. And I have to admit, though I decided to use this word to identify what I think about religion, that doesn't mean that I don't also consider myself other things (see the description in the image of my facebook "Religious Views" above).

A perk about the word "atheist" is that it says to family that I am nowhere near Mormon or "religious" anymore (which is a good thing because I'm tired of them thinking that I just may become TBM again!). In fact, after recently updating the religion section in my facebook, I got a phone call from my mother in law. Apparently, my mother read my profile, and then proceeded to call my husband's mother to tell her that I said I was an "atheist."

Even though my mother in law knows that we don't believe in the church, she seemed very concerned about the prospect. The conversation ran a little like this:

"So, she was saying that you are.... an atheist. When I know you are trying with church."

"Well, yes I have gone to church a couple times recently... and frankly it irritated me..."

"Yes, I know, but she said you were an... atheist." (She seemed to not notice my use of the word "irritated")

"Well, I don't know how my disbelief should be an issue and why she would bring it up with you..."

"Oh."

MIL still didn't get it, because after I handed the phone to my husband, she brought up the claim that I was atheist to him. She told hubby that my mother claimed I was an atheist, but she "didn't get that from me." Finally my husband said, "So what if she is an atheist? That doesn't mean we should treat her any differently."

I don't know what I should have said. I mean, MIL didn't explicitly ask me, "Are you an atheist?" She just kept saying over and over how my mom said that I said I was an atheist. And the way MIL said it implied she thought it was an "awful" thing to say about me and that my mother was lying about it. So, I was treading carefully.

Anyways, it's awesome how my mom called his mom with the purpose of telling her that. Why on earth would there be any reason to do that if not to cause some emotional rift in between my MIL and myself? It is all so very odd...

Oh, and it was quite humorous to see how MIL would pause before she would say the word "atheist." This is probably what made me cautious in the way I responded to her on the phone. And even though I have physically placed my body in a church building on Sunday in the last few months, it is funny that she therefore assumes that automatically makes me a TBM trying to do the mental gymnastics again. I suppose it's that whole "Well if they are in church they must feel the spirit" attitude.

Anyways, this is going to be my new inspirational poster. I'll consult it every time someone gasps when the words "atheist" and "Hypatia" are brought up in the same sentence:

(Picture is from Accidentally Awesome)

I did it. I'm a facebook atheist.

2011-04-05T23:54:00.000-07:00

I've been going through a huge internal struggle with regards to Facebook. I've been strongly considering deleting my account, but I recently, well, made some friends on the social networking site. These friends "get me," so to speak. So, lately, it's been great.

They are really the main reason I haven't cut it off yet. However, recently, after much consideration and indigestion, I finally have done something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I updated my "Religious Views" to say "Atheist."

I hadn't done it until now because I've been scared of people "finding out" about my lack of faith. However, I've hit the point where I don't care if people know anymore. I tried putting this in my profile a few nights ago, but then chickened out and removed it. I did it again, and this time, it's staying there. I mean, it's not fair that everyone else gets to comfortably state their religious status, even though their said religion is ridiculous. I should get the same right to be frank about what I think of religion.

So here it is. I added a description to help clarify what I mean by "atheist."

Spirituality

2011-04-05T15:17:00.000-07:00

Spirituality is something that I feel I've been needing. I don't mean spiritual in the religious, "ghostly," sense, but I mean it in feeling that connectedness that gives me a real high to be alive. Is it possible to experience it via some sort of mythos personifying nature or reality as it is? Is it possible to listen to music or read literature inspired by mythology that personifies nature? Not to be taken literally but to use as a tool for spiritual experience?

Don't get me wrong, I get inspired by reading scientific literature, but I'm starting to feel like I need some poetry in my life. I'm reading "The Little Book of Atheist Spirituality" and while it is full of great quote fodder, it's given me a taste for more "spirituality" and I'm not quite sure where I should start looking. Maybe a research project compiling a list of "to reads" is in order...

Drugs

2011-04-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

I remember once, when I was 16 or so, my mother sat me down at the kitchen table. With a very serious expression on her face, she asked, "Hypatia, are you using drugs?"

I couldn't believe she was asking me this. Here I was, Laurel President, and very faithful church goer, and my mom was asking me if I was doing drugs. Point blank. All serious and shit.

I remember I just kind of sat there with a dumb ass look on my face. "Um... no." I said.

"Because just tell me if you are. I want to help you if you are. I can tell that something's changed about you."

"No. Mom, I'm not taking drugs."

"You just seem, well, to be overly excited recently."

"Overly excited?"

"Yes. Hyper."

I don't know why I thought of this. But yes. My mom sat me down and questioned me about me using drugs. Even though I had never, ever touched any kind of drug. I sniffed whiteout when I was in the fifth grade once or twice. But DRUGS? Never.

Maybe I thought of this because I recently bought a coffee machine, and the fact that I am enjoying the wonderful libation of coke and rum. So yeah.

Oh and if I could get my hands on some, I probably would smoke a joint if given the opportunity.

Suck it Word of Wisdom.

Revisiting the Context of Plato's Cave and Mormonism

2011-03-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share something I was pondering recently regarding Plato's Cave and Mormonism. Sure, Plato's parable has been used to depict someone leaving the Mormon Church (with the guy leaving the cave as representing the ex-mormon), but I think I had an epiphany the other day regarding this very popular allegory.

I was talking to my husband's mom the other day, while she was watching some guy, named "Jimmer,*" throw a ball around. Apparently, I "needed to be watching" that game, or so I was told. (I really wasn't interested.) She kept going on and on about him, and how he was a nice guy, how he was on all these tv shows, how he's not the crap player who was having consensual sex with his girlfriend, and so on.

Later, as I related the story of mind numbing-not-caringness to my husband, I had this idea: Mormonism and The World are in Plato's cave. I mean, really, most of the world is in the cave. How could it not be? If Huxley were alive today when he wrote his book, Brave New World would be filed under "Social Commentary" not science fiction.

So this is how it works: Mormons are in the cave. The World is in the cave. And everyone is just kind of chained up in there together like a bunch of unenlightened dumbasses. So what is the difference between Mormons and The World? I will tell you.

Mormons refuse to entertain themselves with the shadows that The World likes. Mormons award their own prizes and honors to each other for shadows, of which the Mormon leader in the cave approves. In a sense, Mormons are EVEN more ridiculous because they somehow think their shadows and honors are better then the poor schmuck chained to the wall next to them. Similar things can be said of other people-made organizations, though some, like the Church, take it to a rather fucking-insane level by attaching "salvation" to their shadows and honors.

Also, by putting The World in the Cave, I'm not saying The World is evil, but that doesn't mean it's enlightened either.

PS - I wrote "World" so many times, now it doesn't look like a word.

*WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS "JIMMER"? SERIOUSLY, IS THIS A PERSON OR SOME KIND OF FISH-BAIT?!

Validating My Mormon Background

2011-03-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

To any who may think, "oh Hypatia just wasn't faithful enough" or that "Hypatia just didn't surround herself with enough church things" I just want to say that you are an asshole who has no idea what you are talking about. It was my full immersion (wink wink) in mormony things that helped me to see it was not for me in the long run. Here are some of my mormon credentials (starting from when I was young):

1. Beehive President

2. Miamaid President

3. Laurel President

4. Youth Camp Leader (3 years)

5. Seminary Graduate (Seminary overlapped with college because I started going to college at 17)

6. Primary Teacher (Before I transferred to the Y)

7. Institute Attendee (for one year)

8. BYU Graduate

9. Married in the Temple to an RM

10. Primary Teacher with my Husband

Sure, I was never Relief Society President or anything, BUT considering I stopped believing in my early 20s, I would have to say that I had quite a few credentials under my belt!

Mother Dearest is Out

2011-03-26T10:37:00.001-07:00

I'm planning on posting a few things in the coming week. Recently, there have been a lot of changes in my life. I've decided to put a buffer on my toxic mother, and have had to stand up for that boundary on more than one occasion. My father, who has normalized the abuse, doesn't understand why I won't talk to my mother at all and yesterday asked, "So, what? You're just never going to talk to your mom again?" He tries to tell me how much she's improved, that the combination of psychiatrist, therapist, and new drugs that she's doing a lot better. Unlike her, I haven't had that luxury of getting the mental treatment I need. I'm currently waiting for insurance cards so I can see a goddamn therapist myself.

I didn't commit to calling her, even though my dad tried to say, "Just call, say hi and give the phone to her granddaughter." I said I couldn't commit to that. He finally suggested that Marcus call and do that, since I mentioned I was considering it on my mother's birthday, "even though it might make her sad" that I wasn't the one who called. He called because of a brief fallout that happened when she used my dad's cell phone to call me, knowing I would not pick up calls from her cell, or from the house phone because I know it's her. I told her in family therapy, and multiple times that I'm comfortable only with emails right now, but yesterday she called, from my dad's phone. I answered and said "hello," when I heard her say my name in that irritated voice of hers. Then, a "miracle" happened and the call dropped! I don't think I would have had the courage to hang up on her myself, but the universe worked in my favor yesterday and it looked like I just hung up on her. I let them assume that's what happened. It was so sneaky of her to do that and my dad told me that she realized that it wasn't a good way to try to communicate with me and that it did look sneaky. He said she realized that and was sorry she did that. Except she tells him that and never bothers to write me an email explaining that. She tells everyone around her how sorry she is, but never writes me a genuine letter of apology.

I never had the choice of having a normal mother. I never had the choice to not get the constant verbal and emotional abuse. I never had the choice to not suffer in that house growing up with the constant fights, manipulation, and threats of divorce. Now she doesn't have the choice to just treat me as she pleases. Communicate the way SHE wants to anymore. She is merely meeting the consequences of her actions. She has made this bed.

The good thing in all of this is that now she knows she can't operate in secret. I have no problem telling anyone and everyone how she is abusive, toxic, unstable and how she has refused to get herself the right treatment for so long. It has been about a week and a half since I've received a text from her, and it is like a major burden in my life has been lifted. The last text I received from her was some sorry attempt at a complement. Like she was trying to find something nice enough to say to me so I would reply via text. But I saw right through that. She was told that text and phone was off limits, and instead of sending me an email, she sends me a text because she KNOWS that I have said, over and over, that she is not to text or call me. Even by sending something sugary sweet in a text, it is obvious that she is trying to pull me in again. To get me to text back and break my boundaries. I won't do it.

Not Really Coming Out

2011-03-07T23:25:00.000-08:00

I am not coming out fully... yet. But I am slowly testing the waters with family. I'm going to be posting more on my personal blog (which I talk more about the current adventure my family is on, parenting, reading, writing, etc.) . If you would like to follow me there, contact me using the contact form on the contact page of this blog with your name, email, and I will get back to you with my other blog's information. I will give you the blog address to follow, but I will ask that you do not associate this blog, with the one associated with my real name at all. This is very important. Thanks...

"The Family"

2011-01-03T09:11:00.000-08:00

Recently my husband's parents told him he needed to tell his grandparents about his non-belief . . . or they would. Forcing my husband into a corner (not what I would call very "christian-like"), not only left my husband under immense emotional duress, but led him to have some heated discussions with his father over the phone. Why hurt his grandparents out of the blue, who are old, and live in another state in blissful ignorance? Yes, his sister is getting married in the temple five months from now, but she knows, so why not get to that when we get to that?

His father kept telling him there are "consequences to his actions" and cited the dogma that every Mormon holds, that they would no longer be a family in the eternities, and so the familial relationships on earth are rendered meaningless. Again, this codependent dogma, this vile, putrid, manipulative doctrine is putting happiness outside of Marcus's own parents' realm, onto the decisions and beliefs of others. i.e. Their eternal happiness is ruined because they can't spend eternity with their non-believing son.

This inspired me to illustrate how Mormon doctrine works to retain its members:

Do you believe in tatoos?

2010-12-09T13:11:00.001-08:00

Funny thing happened the other day. Someone at work asked me if I "believed" in tattoos when I was talking about how I discovered my daughter one day after she'd written all over her arm in ink.

I actually thought it was kind of funny. My daughter had a princess tutu over her regular clothes, at least 50 of mommy's colorful hair bands that she'd pilfered from my bathroom cabinet on one arm, and she'd made some kind of design all over the other arm with a pen. When I saw her, I thought she looked like an eclectic little artist and proudly proclaimed she would be an artist just like her daddy someday.

For some reason, the person, who I was telling this story to, looked at me wide eyed and said, "Oh no. That might mean she might want tatoos one day. What would you do if she wanted a tatoo?"

"Er... Well, it wouldn't bother me, depending on the tatoo. I just wouldn't want her to do anything she would later regret. But that's up to her, when she's old enough."

"But you don't believe in tatoos . . . do you?"

Now this was weird. Did I believe tatoos existed? Yes. How could you not? I was starting to feel the word "believe" had not been used by accident. I had never spoke with this particular coworker about my religion before, but I had a feeling. . .

"Well, I'm fine if someone wants to get a tatoo..."

"But aren't you Mormon?"

Boom. There it was. Mormon. How did she know? Well I guess it isn't a secret that I grew up in the church. But really, the only time I've spoken with any of my coworkers about Mormonism, they were fully aware I was no longer active. For some reason, this person knew Mormon and me somehow went together, but didn't know how. And so, naturally, she assumed I didn't "believe" in tatoos.

I ended up explaining that I was "raised mormon," but didn't practice it anymore. My coworker then told me about her Mormon neighbors down the street, and how the son was on a mission while I tried to put on my best oh-really-that-is-something-I-totally-care-about-and-am-interested-in face. She also jokingly called me a "rebel" about the fact that, despite my upbringing, I don't practice my "faith" anymore.

I guess if using my own brain instead of blindly following the worldview and religion that was ingrained in my head from infancy makes me a "rebel," then I guess I am one.

Whatever.

What I thought of conference...

2010-10-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

NOTHING! HA!

Didn't watch it because no one could make me! Even though I had about a billion requests from my parents to come over and watch it. No, won't do it.

Actually, I think the primary reason I did all I could to avoid it was to not get pissed off. Because that is exactly how church talks make me feel. . . PISSED.

Oh, and by the way, my husband had the pleasure of visiting with the missionaries the other day while I hid in our room and let the awkwardness seep through the walls.

They asked why we don't go to church (our old bishop who knew our situation is now gone and I think the new one wants to know what's up with us). He proceeded to tell them we didn't believe in the Judeo Christian God. They kept asking if he'd felt the "spirit" in the past, and after Marcus talked a few different times about emotionalism, Occam's razor, psychological conditioning, and how he "thought" at one point he had felt the spirit but now realized those emotions could be explained by natural means, at the end of all that they still were asking about the spirit. I don't think they understood what he was saying all that much.. and I'm probably butchering the story because Marcus could tell you what happened better than I could.

Anyways, I also just want to say I had so much fun playing Tarot cards two nights ago with a buddy of mine. You know who you are. Thanks for teaching me about Satan's play things. ;)

Gregorian Monks, Music, and Kolob

2010-09-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

OK, so lately I'm completely in love with Monastic Music. Bah rum cha!

No really, Gregorian Chant is really my thing as of late. It's so soothing to listen to, and helps me feel total "zen" when I'm trying to zone out on my lunch break at work.

There is probably something to that. I mean, religious music resonates with people and they feel "good" and probably attribute that to the "spirit." I can see how if faithful LDS members listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and feel the same way I do when I listen to Gregorian Chant music, then they are Mormon4Life.

Honestly though, the music aspect of the LDS church was never all that appealing to me. Except for a couple of songs when I was in primary, I never really thought the music in church was all that beautiful.

Except for "If you could hie to Kolob." To me, that shit was the best. I mean the BEST. It sounded cool. It was about Kolob, and I've always been into science fiction to some degree. Also, the part If you could hie to Kolob in the twinkling of an eye always reminded and reminds me still of "Beam me up, Scotty!" And what I loved a ton about this song, is that it wasn't the whitewashed version of Mormonism that is currently the emphasized in the Sunday School manuals, it was what made me, as a Mormon, different than any Joe Christian. Frankly, I thought Mormonism kicked Christianity in the ass when it came to the "awesome" factor.

I mean, Mormonism basically says that God evolved from a lower form and then started life on earth. Something close to, though not exactly the same as, what Dawkins himself has said is possible. (Though this begs the question, "who designed the designer?" But maybe not really, because the designer EVOLVED from a natural process to begin with!) Anywho, I thought I'd share a video of that hymn here... just cause I'm in the mood. And I'm on a break at work. :)

What do you all think? Can music be the main crux for someone's faith in a religion?

The Dreaded A-Word

2010-09-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling lately. Struggling with the "A" word. Struggling with the fact that I'm no longer kidding anyone.

I'm pretty sure I'm an atheist. It's become more and more apparent to me in the last few months.

What really made it apparent was this week's Christian Fiction discussion in my adult reading materials class. I read a Catholic book called "The Messenger" about this self important priest preaching against the pharisees in the Catholic church, anyways, I digress. What really hit me was the fact that, in an online class discussion, I referred to myself as a "post mormon atheist" to explain my personal perspective with regards to the book.

I think that is the first time I've ever used that term to refer to myself in a public forum, with my REAL NAME.

Yet, for me. It's still so taboo. So many times my mother has asked me if I was the A-word and I instantly recoiled saying "No."

I've looked for other labels. Ones that sounded less abrasive than the A-word, when I finally am starting to realize that the issue lies with me. I have a problem with it because it's been ingrained in me that atheists are the scum of the earth and want to eat babies for breakfast.

I'm starting to realize that I might need to see a therapist. Lately, I'm biting my nails more than ever and displaying other nervous tendencies. I just want to be honest with EVERYONE about what I am and what I think. My immediate family doesn't want anyone in the extended family to know of my disbelief in the church because it is shameful to them. And my husband is fearful that his extended family will know of it as well. And while, some of my uncles and aunts on my mother's side of the family know, and have been supportive of me (they aren't active mormons), no one else is really allowed to know. And there is always the ever irritating assumption on the part of my parents that "this is just a phase," and I'll realize the error of my ways someday.

I've been thinking that maybe I could benefit from a therapist the way a fellow blogger did. I am insecure in who I am and I need confidence. Because more than anything I want to officially resign from the church, and more than anything I'm still terrified to do so. I don't want to be ashamed of what and who I am anymore.

Family

2010-07-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

Life has been too busy to notice that I'm avoiding things. My extended family hasn't seen me in the longest time. And it's not like they live far away, they don't, but I just have avoided opportunities to visit with them, and I certainly have not gone out of my way to seek them out.

I feel like I've cut them all out. I created a special list on my facebook, that I have blocked from seeing my wall. This list consists of all my family and extended family, and the majority of my mormon friends (though not all). I have this list blocked from my wall, because I feel like I can't be honest with them, and therefore I remove them from my life. (Who would've thought facebook could be such a powerful thing?)

I can't stand duplicity. So I just avoid the confrontation which I know would occur if the fact that I no longer attend church came up at a family gathering. I have this suspicion that they already know. My well intentioned father and my insane mother may have already blabbed to them about my heresy. The thought is unsettling to me, though I frequently remind myself it doesn't matter.

I feel ashamed. Though deep down I know I shouldn't feel ashamed. And yet I do. These are people that I grew up with. They are my family. I looked forward to the summer vacations and the holidays when I would get together and play games with my cousins. After growing up and going away to college, my relations with my extended family became strained because of a stupid family feud. Now they are even more strained because I don't want to turn people against each other by joining the "non-active" side of the family. I don't want to be put on a side within the family. So I have chosen to remove myself from it.

I feel sad things are the way they are. But these are the current state of things. I don't know how to confront reality.

Evangelicals, proving that one can both be an ass, and a pain in one at the same time.

2010-05-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

Oh my god! Crikey! I would have never thought to check Tony's Website for Jesus. I'm so glad that we found him. That darn Jesus is just so good at hiding.

Also, now I have a REAL reason to hate Arabs. Before I just had this deep seated contempt for all Arabs, but I really had no way to justify when I give them dirty looks in public for wearing their crazy clothes. But now I do, because guess what, GOD SAID they are despicable and CRAZY! I have every right to despise them because the good ol' bible tells me so!

Thank you so much whoever put this newsletter on my windshield as I was leaving the book store today. You've made the my world make a whole lot more sense by spreading your "Good News."

One Year Anniversary

2010-05-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

So my husband and I were discussing that this is the month of our one year anniversary of NOT attending church. Although I did stop a month or so before he did... because he had a calling and would actually show up to do it.

But yes. It was the month of May where we finally stopped going altogether. We haven't been back since. And we have no desire to return.

That hasn't stopped my visiting teachers however. I still get myriad phone calls, messages, gifts, etc. One time, I was approached about visiting teaching at my job (I work at a library). But yeah, I don't know what to say or do. I'm thinking about writing them an email and just asking them to stop contacting me.

The trouble is they are very nice people after all. Just trying to do their best as they try to navigate this freaked up religion as best they know how. After all, their salvation is contingent upon mine.

I just want to put this behind me. It is difficult though when I get little presents at my door which include messages from leaders in the church, past and present, that talk about how scripture study is the best thing ever. How do you drop the VTs?

Suggestions and ideas would be most appreciated. I would like to do something that doesn't involve me going on a tirade about the church to them.

Dumb Update

2010-05-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

I am still here. And every once and a while I explore outer blogness. But lately, I have had a lot of stuff going on. School, work, family and a plethora of other obligations have taken up a lot of my time.

Currently, I get letters every week from my sister-in-law on her mission. It's almost like a weekly reminder of what was once me. But now it just all seems so foreign.

I've become very cynical of all religion in general. Which is sad, because I don't like to be considered a cynical person.

I am at a point where it just seems so absurd to me. I recently acquired a Urantia book just for kicks, and had a friend do a tarot reading for me. This kind of stuff would have freaked out my former self, but now, I seem to look into mysticism and religions because it has become sort of a game. It is kind of like a hobby to me now.

I was also looking to participate in a Holi celebration, but I wasn't able to find a hindu temple around here quite like the one in Spanish Fork, Utah where outsiders are a big part... Maybe I just didn't look hard enough.

Hm.

Not much else. Just making it through, one day at a time.

Meh.

Text Wars

2010-04-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

These are my mom's texts. These are mine.

Our missionaries have a goal of teaching a certain number of lessons a week. They came over today. It was really good to have them here. These two guys are very fun! Would you like to come when they come next time?

Em… No.. Do you really think I don’t know what the church teaches?

I see you as a part of the fold. That is why I asked. I know you know. It is just to support their efforts. No one here is planning on baptizing you. Silly!

Mom, I don’t consider myself lds. I am not a sheep to be part of a “fold”.

When you say you are not lds it really hurts me. What can I say that is something that would hurt you? Is there anything? Think about it and then answer me. I would like to know.

Please stop trying to control who I am by saying such things.

You cannot determine and control the way I feel. What I feel is what I feel. Maybe you just don’t want me to tell you my feelings.

I am not interested in controlling the person you are. Neither have I ever tried to take control of you. I remember teaching you and leaving the decisions to you. Do you resent that I told you shorts were for the beach and sports and did not let you wear it to school?

What does that have to do with anything?

I know what I wish and what I can do are different things. I have no influence whatsoever in who you are. The world you are exposed to is what influences you.

Yes! Oh yes! I am so “exposed” to the world.

Do you resent that I had high expectations for you? You would not have married Marcus if you had not have the life you had, with the teachings you had.

You can say that about anyone! Everyone has the life they had based on experiences they have growing up. What does this have to do with anything?! I know what the church is. I just don’t believe in it. Why can’t you face the facts?

WOW! I hope people are as nice to [Marcus’s Sister who is on a mission]. I DIDN’T realize how hateful you are that you cannot even hear anything. It is shocking to me.You would like to claim that someone that doesn’t like who you are because you don’t believe are shallow. There is no depth at all in who you are. I really don’t like shallow people.

I never made the claim that people are shallow because they don’t agree with me.

Hypatia, by exposed I meant that I protected you and obviously you are angry because of it.

It is unfortunate that you are choosing to put words in my mouth. No matter what I say and no matter what I do, you will think whatever you want to think about me. Please don’t talk to me about this anymore. I am done with this discussion. None of this has been constructive for either of us. Time to drop it.

I face the facts everyday. Remember, I endure, something that you don’t think you know what it is. It is what I am going through when I feel your ire towards something so dear to me. Am I shallow?

When I said face the facts, I meant face the fact that I don’t believe.

Because I have no choice? I was taught. I follow because I didn’t kill my faith.

And I don’t “follow” because I didn’t kill my reason.

If I have to deal with you, you will need to deal with me talking about religion. Do you want this arrangement?

If you have to deal with me? Deal with me what? I don’t try to bring up atheism with you. You are ALWAYS bringing up religion with me. Don’t you see how one sided this is?

No, but if I choose to pull away from you because I am hurt. I am shallow because I don’t respect who you are.

How did I hurt you again? Because I don’t believe the way you believe?

Just read what you said about dropping it.

You said I hurt you before that. Anyways I am dropping this now, bye.

End of Text War

I will say, I did have a short fuse to begin with. I was absolutely bewildered that she would ask me to meet with the missionaries. After all our conversations. After all the tears. After all the times I have tried to explain myself to her... and she is treating me like I've never said a word to her!

Anyways, after this text war she proceeded to call me and let me have it. It was a disaster. Marcus was telling me the whole time to keep a steady head and be dispassionate as she hurled insults at me. At one point she was screaming and crying that she wanted to give up this "shit" meaning the church. And then I asked her if she took her medicine (she is on anti depressants and anti anxiety pills). Then she screamed at me, "Why don't you read the scriptures?! That could be a kind of medicine for you!"

After a total mental breakdown, the line dropped. She didn't call me but texted me about an hour later. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was working on my taxes (which I was). Then she wrote:

Daughter, I must love unconditionally, and that I do. It would be easy if I did not care. I fear the passing years will make us strangers.

Don't worry about that kind of thing. Worrying doesn't do anything.

I am officially tucking you in. I love you. Good night.

Love you too. Night.

End of "Make Up" Text Conversation

What a fucking roller coaster.

The Unbroken Thread

2010-02-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

So my recent exchange with my mother left me thinking about "just genetics." I really enjoyed reading Sabio's comment regarding "enchanted naturalism." It left me in the mood to watch this recent Symphony of Science video. I wonder if I should ever show it to my mom and chide her for treating a subject like "genetics" (i.e. the history of life, cell structure, complex biology) as if it were utterly insignificant in and of itself.

"Just Genetics"

2010-02-27T14:00:00.000-08:00

Recent Conversation with My Mother as I Was Leaving Her House

"Hypatia, on your way home, I want you to sing a song."

"Uh...OK?" I say laughing.

"I want you to sing 'I'm a Child of God.'"

"Er... what?" still laughing a little bit, but mostly out of discomfort.

"Don't mock God."

"Um... How am I 'mocking God'?"

"By laughing when I asked you to sing that song."

"I don't think it's possible for me to mock god--"

"I want you to sing 'I'm a Child of God.' Because you are a child of god, and so is Eve [my daughter]. Will you sing it on your way home?"

"Er--"

"Because you are not just genetics. I don't believe Eve is just genetics."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I don't think you are made of just genetics."

"You are saying you don't believe in genetics?"

"No, I know that exists. But you aren't just genetics."

"Oh...OK?"

"You are a child of God."

"OK, mom," I say trying to close the car door.

"So you'll sing it on the way home?"

"Yeah, sure I will."

"OK, love you bye."

And no. I didn't sing it on the way home. What I did do is have a WTF? expression on my face the whole way home.

Ugh. Kill me now.

BYU Brings Caffeine to Campus

2010-02-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

As a former student at the Y, I had more than a few chuckles when I saw this timely report. :)

Valley 3 News: BYU Brings Caffeine to Campus from Jimmy Newell on Vimeo.

My Atheism Positions... Declared!

2010-02-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

Taken from the blog Triangulations. Props to my husband and Andrew for making me aware of it.

I am such a follower.

My Atheism Positions

Level of Certainty:	Moderate
Openness:	Totally Open
Degree of Outreach:	Passive (I'm planning on becoming more open in the future, but not now)
Present Religious Participation:	Abstaining (rare)
Stance toward Categorically Rejecting Religion:	Indifferent
Degree of Enchantment	Enchanted (Though neutral some of the time)
Mystical Perceptions:	Non-Mystical (But I do enjoy playing with rune stones for the mere fun of it.)
Theory of Religion:	Religion is just a way to answer questions people ask but don't have answers to. (i.e. worship of sun god because sun brings life, etc.). And humans like to have answers, even if they are bad ones.
Non-theistic Leanings	Non-dualist pantheist. I don't believe in magical forces, but I do believe in reality, balance, and that we came out of nature, we are nature, and we fool ourselves by trying to pretend we are not the cosmos itself. (See Alan Watts and Carl Sagan) I like how Dawkins described pantheism as "sexed up atheism."
Secular Superstitious or Irrational Habits	Hmm... Nothing stands out too much. I do knock on wood, and feel incredibly uncomfortable if someone opens up an umbrella indoors. And while I do and feel this, I know it's ridiculous, but old habits die hard. I also have a strange affinity toward greek evil eye stones and amulets...
View of Reason	I value reason very highly. If I didn't, I'd still be going to church (oh snap).
Faith Items	hmm... I'm having a hard time answering this one. Love?
Past Belief History	Former Believer
Past Orthopraxy History	Former Practitioner (casual)
Past Sect History	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon)

Organisms, the Church, and Insanity

2010-02-07T08:49:00.000-08:00

I couldn't help but shake a thought as I woke up this morning. And though I wish I were dreaming about something way cooler, I had a "vision" you might say, in between waking and dreaming. I had heard before that the church is like a body. And so in my mind, I imagined being inside a body. Kind of a little like when the magic school bus gets shrunk and gets eaten by Arnold.

Anyways, the "body" was personified as the church. And I was a little cell in it. Well, I decided that I didn't like being a cell in it anymore, and stopped doing my assigned function. Then, the white cells started coming after me. They were alarmed that I stopped performing my assigned function, and wanted be back to what I was doing before or gone.

This is a very rough version of my actual dream but pulling the details together has been a little difficult. Anyways, the church really is like a body. And when the members, or cells, stop doing their assigned function, the body goes on alert and sends little white blood cells after them. Maybe I could call these visiting teachers? Anyways, it really reminded me of the fact that as a Mormon, my identity was not as important as the identity of the organization. I'm Mormon first, Hypatia second.

The organism, or the church, comes first within the eyes of the organization. It reminds me a little bit of the documentary I saw called "The Corporation." In that film, it argues that corporations are essentially psychopaths, since legally, they are real "persons" but they care not a whit as to whom they exploit, and what they do to be on top, as long as they are successful.

In a sense, organizations including the LDS church really do become organisms unto themselves. And as any organism takes necessary precautions to prevent itself from getting sick, the church has an inherent system of rooting out the pieces or parts that don't fit or aren't contributing to the well being of the "whole" anymore.

Anywho, ironically enough, I was looking for a quote by someone in the church on LDS.org referring to the church as a body. However, I got distracted by a couple of other articles I discovered here and here. They deal with "nurturing" and "caring" for the less active.

The "lost sheep" and "prodigal son" analogies aside, something very disturbing caught my eye. I noticed this little tidbit on the Caring for Members Who Are Not Very Active article:

Our salvation is dependent upon the salvation of others.

This is why its so hard to leave. This is why people go insane either trying to stay in or in the process of leaving the church. The organism will not have discord. It will not allow for any potential cancerous cells to linger within it. Me not going to church AFFECTS the others within it. It's like I'm a little cancer cell, and either the DNA structure in my nucleus needs to be changed or I need to be cut out of the body. This is the first time I have had the realization that ultimately I need to remove my name from the church. Not because it would help me any, because it would help others in the church not feel so guilty or sick that I don't go...like my visiting teachers.

Anywho, this is also the reason why family is so upset over us leaving the church. Because my actions affect their salvation. After all, they won't have their child with them in the celestial kingdom. It is so dangerous to put one's happiness outside oneself and one's own actions, but that is exactly what the church does. It encourages members to see another's actions as affecting their own happiness. (i.e. "If you're children break their covenants then you won't get to be sealed to them in the after life.")

What a recipe for disaster.

I don't believe in the judeo christian concept of god. I don't know that I even believe in god as is understood by most. But if I did, I certainly would not believe in one that would lead its followers to coercion and manipulation by punishing the one for the "sins" of the other.

The longer I'm out of the church, the more I realize how crazy it all is to me. I can't believe I ate up this bullshit when I was a teen. I get so angry with myself. I remember people I talked to or things I said in the name of "Christ" and I cringe. I was just a little cell then. A little cell of the organization. Doing what it was told. Regurgitating what it was told to regurgitate.

I was such a fool.

They Might Be Giants- Here Comes Science

2010-02-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

My daughter has really been enjoying They Might Be Giants' "Here Comes Science" album on youtube. She's been watching them over and over and gets mad if we turn it off... Here is one she (and her mommy) really likes. I figure this helps balance out the stuff she hears on Sunday. ha.

If you enjoyed that, I might also recommend, Meet the Elements, and The Sun is a Miasma of Incandescent Plasma, and I am a Paleontologist.

We're All Mad Here

2010-02-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

My husband's latest post reminded me of a wonderful speech I read recently by children's author Natalie Babbitt. I really recommend you read the whole thing in context. It is titled We're All Mad Here and the author compares Alice and Wonderland to the "reasonable" society in which we are a part:

The fundamental reason why Alice in Wonderland was my favorite book was that it confirmed my long-held suspicion – long held even by fourth grade – that grown-ups, and the world they have created, are mad. For the most part, they operate on systems that have no basis in rationality. Children are rational, but their elders are not, and can’t explain anything. (As in the question “Why do I have to do that?” to which the answer is “Because I said so.”) Is it possible to reason irrationally? Certainly. The grown-up characters in Alice reason irrationally at a great rate all through the book. There is only one rational character in the Alice stories, and that character is Alice herself.

Babbitt shares stories from her childhood which further supports these points. After all, how many times do we remember or do we ourselves partake in the irrationality? Even when we see the blatant idiosyncrasies and hypocrisies in our actions?

Babbitt writes:

To the best of my recollection, my awareness of irrationality began when I was four. It began small, but it began memorable. My sister, who is two years older than I am, was at school, and I was alone in the kitchen, sitting on some kind of a highchair, where I’d been told firmly by my mother to stay until I finished my lunch. I’d been there for quite a while, because there were canned pears for dessert, and I was putting off the necessity of dealing with them. I didn’t like canned pears. Still don’t. Canned pears, unlike fresh ones, have strings in them. My mother knew I didn’t like them, but served them to me anyway. Her plea, in such situations, was that I think of the starving Armenians. But since I didn’t know who the Armenians were, or why they were starving, my patience was short. On this particular day, it finally ran out. I climbed down from my highchair and threw my pears in the sink. And then I went down the hall towards the front door, passing my mother who was headed in the other direction. I was stopped with my hand on the door knob by my mother’s voice from the kitchen. She called to me and said, “Whose pears are these in the sink?”

Now, at the age of four, I was probably not familiar with the word “irrational.” Nevertheless, I clearly recall being puzzled by this question from my mother.

Anyways, the author makes some brilliant points about how mad we all really are. How societies are held together by nothing really, and how children are really a hundred times more rational then adults.

What it all seems to come down to is that we humans have a very slim grip on the definition of what’s rational. The societies we have created here, and everywhere else around the world, are messy, unjust and dangerous. But each society believes those adjectives are descriptive only of all the other societies, while it itself is fair and square, tidy, and safe. We’d get along with each other a lot better if we could admit that we are all pretty much alike regardless of what society we belong to, but that seems to go against the grain.

What I liked about this is how easily it could be applied to religion. In Mormonism, all other religions are the "messy" ones. But the LDS church is the only "true one." And yet how many religions think the same of others? Other religions are "dangerous," but one's own is the "safe" and "fair" one.

Another part of her speech that I really enjoyed reading was about how despite all of our contradictions and hypocrisies, people still find meaning and beauty. They choose to create, build, love even in the midst of waves of potential disillusionment.

So – well – I think I grew up questioning the contradictions, as we all do, but finally admiring the way we human beings always manage, however clumsily, to build a footing out of not much, and then dance on it. Because we do dance on it, here and everywhere else in the world, regardless of science, religion, and politics. And we dance pretty well, thank you very much. It’s mad to dance on such a footing, because collapse is always imminent, but we do it anyway. There’s a lot to be learned from that. Somehow, in spite of everything, we manage to build. We have always managed to build, even right after we’ve managed to destroy.

In a way, I feel as though I was Alice when I went to church. Every time I would ask a question or seek an explanation. I would receive an answer similar to one Alice might hear from the mad hatter. And the way people in the church took these quite contradictory and irrational arguments as valid explanations confused me to no end. And as Babbitt illustrates, there are "irrationally reasonable" parts in Alice:

“Once upon a time there were three little sisters,” the Dormouse began,

“And their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie, and they lived at the bottom of a well.”

“What did they live on?” said Alice, who always took a great interest in questions of eating and drinking.

“They lived on treacle,” said the Dormouse, after thinking a minute or two.

“They couldn’t have done that, you know,” Alice gently remarked. “They’d have been ill.”

“So they were,” said the Dormouse. “Very ill.”

Alice tried a little to fancy to herself what such an extraordinary way of living would be like, but it puzzled her too much: so she went on: “But why did they live at the bottom of a well?”

The Dormouse again took a minute or two to think about it, and then said, “It was a treacle well. And so these three little sisters – they were learning to draw, you know.”

“What did they draw?” said Alice.

“Treacle,” said the Dormouse, without considering at all, this time.

“But I don’t understand,” said Alice. “Where did they draw the treacle from?”

“You can draw water out of a water-well,” said the Hatter; “so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle-well – eh, stupid?”

“But they were in the well,” Alice said to the Dormouse, not choosing to notice this last remark.

“Of course they were,” said the Dormouse: “Well in.”

But although it became plain to see the madness in a church environment, it has become more plain for me to see the madness in the culture I live in. The very structure of my society has some very fundamentally f&$cked up ways of living and seeing the world. This rabid consumerism which literally destroys lives coupled with religion and so called "morals" confuses me to no end.

And like my husband, and like Alice at the end of Lewis Carroll's popular work, I just want to wake up, and get out of wonderland.

Reality

2010-02-01T19:48:00.000-08:00

It's just been an amazing ride.

I feel like I've hit a huge learning curve. I'm not trying to say I know anything, or if anything that makes sense to me is ultimate reality or anything. I just look back, to where I was, 6 months ago, a year ago, two years ago, and I feel like I've learned so much. Meaning, I feel like I've learned that I don't know very much at all.

I've had this surge of desire to learn. To know. Who I am. What the universe is. What society is. What it is to be human. What it is to be a part of everything. And at the same time I realize that I am no different than an animal, a rock, a chair.

I've fallen back in love with Buddhist/Zen thought lately. In a way, my leanings towards pantheism are another way of expressing certain feelings I have that are also related to zen teachings. It doesn't matter what I call it really, but when I can sit, and remove my "self" from inhibiting my perceptions, and feel "connected." When I can sit and feel my breathing, and feel the air around my skin, I feel ... wow. I can't even begin to describe it. I feel REAL.

I will say however that although pantheism strikes a deep chord in me, I would like to say I am a non-dualist. Even in my early college days as I learned about the platonic world view versus the Aristotelian world view, I definitely sympathized with Aristotle's points about reality. Sorry Plato, you're a great guy, but you lost me at forms.

At the same time, things have been more difficult for me on a school front. Some of the classes I am taking are driving me insane. I am currently taking Library and Information Science courses. It really is a sort of fake masters degree. But this management class I am taking just feels like it's all "fake" knowledge. Charts about change cycles, reading about how library directors nowadays are no longer scholars but unappreciated corporate CEOs just makes me sad inside. I want to learn real things. I want to learn real science. Not pseudoscience. I want to read real literature. Not this trash that is called a textbook in my class.

Going through the readings and the assignments is almost physically painful for me. I feel like I have to numb myself to do it. It's hard to explain. I complete the homework. I make the A. But the whole time, I feel as though what I have "learned" is useless and not even real. To complete my assignments in a way that would be pleasing to my teachers, I just have to mindlessly spew bull shit.

I will say though, I've been introduced to a lot of different readings as of late. After reading much of Carl Sagan's the Varieties of Scientific Experience, I feel as though I had a lot of material to stew over. But now I've been introduced to Alan Watts. And my cousin gave me Being and Nothingness by Sartre, and my friend gave me the Blind Watchmaker by Dawkins for my birthday.

It's thrilling to have friends and even a cousin who know this side of me. Most of my extended family still doesn't have a clue about my departure with the mormon faith, so it's so refreshing to have honest conversations with friends. In some ways, I feel closer to some people than I've ever felt before. Being able to be honest and talk about REAL things is so thrilling.

Prickles and Goo and Music and Life

2010-01-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

I am still here. I've just been extremely busy as of late. But have been aching to write (specifically about a wonderful speech I read paralleling Alice and Wonderland to reality...stay tuned). Unfortunately, I don't have the time or mental frame of mind to write very much at the moment, but I just wanted to share a couple of videos that I've enjoyed over the past few days.

A friend recently introduced me to Alan Watts, and here are a couple snippets from his lectures, so wonderfully animated by the creators of South Park. Enjoy.

The Mormon God and Thoughts on Nothingness

2010-01-02T17:42:00.000-08:00

Recently, my mother has been a lot better than she was before. I almost can't believe that she is better behaved than Marcus's mother has been, considering mine has mental issues. She sat down with me yesterday, and read me the entire chapter of Mormon 9, a chapter that she was "guided to" by the Lord in the Temple this past week.

Of course as she read, I listened. Surely the emotions that so clearly became manifest in her facial expression and demeanor were sincere. But I wasn't being affected by the scripture as much as my mother was. She said that the Lord wanted her to share those scriptures with me, but really, I think they were for her, and are a way for her to make sense of me.

While she read to me, I looked at the mud near the concrete patio where we were sitting. I started looking at the water and mud and realized how I was made of the same stuff in that dirt. I was just put together differently. As she talked about archaic phrases such as becoming pure through "the blood of the lamb," I contemplated or rather tried not to contemplate but just exist in the most basic sense. It felt rather enlightening.

Although, it was nothing like the experience I had a few days ago. My husband and I have talked about how when we were children, and maybe we were just weird children, we would think about nothing. As a kid, I used to think about "non-existence" and get a rush from it. Usually, I would think about the earth and then my house and then my family and then me, and then in my mind I would erase me, then my family then my house, then the earth until there was nothing. It used to give me a weird but interesting feeling so I would try to do it often as a child. I haven't been able to do it since I was very young... until this week.

I was sitting in the car, and it just happened. I thought about non-existence. Which is a horrible way to describe it, but that's the best way for me to put it into terms. I thought of the earth and the galaxy and the immense magnitude of everything, and then in the same instant, I was able to make it all disappear. I had that long forgotten rush I used to experience frequently as a kid. But it only lasted a couple of seconds, as a thought of success at attaining the feeling entered my head, and that was enough to pop the fragile bubble of nothingness.

So my mother has a scripture she wants to share with me. That's fine. If that's what makes her understand her world, so be it. As for me, on the other hand, I have a different way of experiencing reality. It is a different way than hers, and she needs to accept that.

Although, I got to thinking. Since I was able to experience a transcendent understanding of things while my mom read to me outside, is it possible to be a Mormon and a pantheist?

What really makes a Mormon anyways? If I have the belief that "god" cannot be defined as a man but as reality itself, could I still be a "good Mormon"? Does that small difference in semantics really dictate whether or not a person is LDS? What if I choose to interpret that man is created in god's "image" in the sense that man is made of the same "stuff" as god. That god (the universe) and man are really one and the same and in that way they are related.

And if that's the case, if I really can be Mormon and have this view of deity at the same time, if I were to share these thoughts in Sunday school would I be accused of apostasy? And if not, does it then all come down to me keeping the WoW and paying tithing to be a temple recommend holding Mormon?

In Mormon 9 it reads that "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and in him there is no variableness neither shadow of changing." In my view, my concept of "god" is more eternal and unchanging than what I understand to be the Mormon one, which even admits that god is constantly changing his laws with "modern revelation." Mormonism also teaches that god follows the laws of nature and the universe; in that case, wouldn't that ultimately make the "laws of nature" more powerful than the Mormon God? In my view, the laws of physics and the laws of nature (even the little we know about them) are more eternal and timeless than the god we read about in the scriptures.

Ah... it's so wonderful to visit family for the holidays...

2009-12-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

We've finally made it back home after enjoying a week in Zion, or should I say Deseret, or should I say Utah. It really wasn't a bad visit. My husband's mother acted strangely the whole time, but his grandparents are amazing caring people, whose only hangup is that they talk about church all the time (but what can you do, they are old after all).

My mother in law doesn't really like me all that much, because I am a bad influence on her son (of course), and not the molly Mormon she would like me to be. But that's OK, because Marcus's grandfather is always praising me and my accomplishments in my school and career (and he has every since before we were married).

Some Doozies

1. Quick Preface: My mother in law doesn't like the fact that I work and my husband works from home and takes care of our daughter while I'm gone. She asked him, "So are you just going to let Hypatia work then? That's not what I wanted for you."

2. I heard my mother-in-law crying almost every night in the bathroom.

3. I had to walk on eggshells everytime church came up in conversation because my husband's grandparents don't know but his parents do and so we had to walk the fine line of being vague and not addressing church related questions asked of us directly.

4. My mother in law suggested that my husband should be afraid of me leaving him because we are no longer church goers.

5. Our daughter busted her face on a hide-a-bed in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, so all of her Christmas pictures have a black eye and fat lip.

6. Santa came to visit our daughter, and in an attempt to get her to sit on his lap, I was asked to sit on his lap first as an example. (i.e. Weird)

7. My daughter got a bad cold and got sick a lot.

Some Perks

1. Santa came to visit our daughter, and she was surprisingly social with him.

2. My daughter was a beacon of sweetness and adorableness. My husband's grandparents commented all the time on how wonderful she is. And my husband's parents have a hard time denying that maybe she's not having a horrible upbringing with us as parents.

3. My daughter played in the snow.

4. I was able to enjoy the company of my husband's grandparents. When we lived in Utah we visited them all the time. I love being around them and I miss them already.

5. Because my daughter was sick, I didn't have to go to church on Sunday. Oh yeah!

6. Marcus and I found some interesting literature in the library of my grandfather-in-law (former stake president, bishop x2, stake president, regional representative). It included the following books and titles:

Origins of Power by Michael Quinn
Birth of Satan by T. J. Wray
God's Problem by Bart Ehrman
Jesus, Interrupted by Bart Ehrman
The End of Faith by Sam Harris

So that is a very, very, very brief summary of our Christmas break. I'm sure Marcus will write more about it.

I am so glad to be home now.

Leavin' on a jet plane... Happy Holidays!

2009-12-22T06:59:00.000-08:00

Well, my family and I are flying out to Utah today for the holidays. I don't know that I will get a chance to post or comment on blogs over the next week, as we will be staying with my husband's relatives. So, I don't exactly want to be accessing this blog through their computers. I have a slight fear that they will discover this online abomination, which (as you know) documents my heathenish ideas. I will miss everyone and I wish you all a Merry Christmas! Or a happy whatever you choose to celebrate.

Happy holidays everyone!

I have to let this out...

2009-12-16T20:54:00.000-08:00

And if they were in the habit of conferring honours among themselves on those who were quickest to observe the passing shadows and to remark which of them went before, and which followed after, and which were together; and who were therefore best able to draw conclusions as to the future, do you think that he would care for such honours and glories, or envy the possessors of them?

-Plato's Cave

I've been moving through life as an observer of human behavior for the past couple of days. And there is something that is making me literally sick about where I live.

It's just so fake. The landscape is littered with strip malls, blow up holiday decorations, and tons of kitsch. I just don't understand why people value all this crap. I was at Kohls this morning, looking for an outfit for our trip to Utah. (We are going to Utah next week to visit my husband's grandparents and parents for Christmas.) Anyways, I kept hearing all these older women argue with different clerks about different things.

"Wait! How much is that?! I had a coupon for that! It should be 30% off!"

"Are you saying I'm making this up?! The display said these should be 8 dollars a piece!"

The true "spirit" of the holidays permeated the store and gave me the warm fuzzies. If by warm fuzzies you mean wanting to bash your head into a post and vomit violently across the floor.

Everyone around me was stressed. Hurrying to get their shopping in. Looking over each other's shoulders to make sure there wasn't someone in on a deal to which they were not aware of. Actually, by the time I found a cart that had a child seat (my daughter was with me and there were NO available carts in the store), I became literally ill with the environment around me; I had to leave. And I did. I actually nixed shopping for that holiday outfit because I didn't want to be a part of what I was witnessing. It was awful.

For some reason, this made me remember another experience I had at the same department store a little while back. I was trying on some pants that I had to buy for work, when I heard a woman comment in the stall next to me, "I just pray to the Lord to send me another Kohl's coupon!" I think that basically sums up the culture here. I live in the south, and so there are megachurches and Jesus bumper stickers aplenty, but there is this huge disconnect in between reality and worship. It's the suburban view of piety. The view that, hey, I have access to all this "stuff" so that means that I deserve all this "stuff" and I'm going to keep praying for more "stuff" because God likes to give me "stuff" because I believe in Jesus.

Argh.

All of this glorifying of nothingness seemed to culminate in a conversation I had with a friend at work today (I work with some really cool people). Anyways, my friend was waiting with her family at a restaurant the other night. It was really busy as it was the same day that a huge city event was going on in celebration of the holidays. There was about an hour wait to be seated in the restaurant, and there was chaos everywhere.

So this guy comes in, and starts yelling at the hostess. He was screaming that his wife was told they would be seated next but that in reality they weren't next and had to wait a little while longer. Because of the crowded conditions in the restaurant (everyone thought it was too cold to be outside so they crammed like sardines inside), this guy was pressed up against my friend as he dehumanized the 20 year old hostess because they weren't seated next.

"I am a business owner. And I own a hair salon here downtown! And I'm going to make sure that everyone who comes into my salon to get their hair done DOESN'T come to this restaurant because what you are doing is horrible!" and so on and so forth.

Anyways, so my friend, basically stood up for this girl who started to cry because this man was being such an @$$ hole to the her. She said, "Hey, it's not her fault! She's just the hostess. If you have a problem you need to talk to the manager."

He then put his nose a few inches from my friend's face and screamed at her. "Get the f**k out of my face lady! You stay out of my business and I will stay out of yours!"

Needless to say the manager eventually arrived and took the man outside. I don't think he went back into the restaurant after that.

So what does it take to feel so entitled? Apparently, if someone owns a hair salon and they are a little delayed in getting a table at a restaurant, then they get to berate and emotionally abuse a human being. I don't understand this idea of feeling superior to others because of some perfunctory fact or label.

But I think some people really believe, that if they are being "served" by someone, that they are better than them. I just don't understand it. Why DO we confer honors on each other? Why am I any better than the person next to me? Why do people think they're so much better than the next? That they have the "right faith" or the "right job" or the "right anything"?

This is such an amazing universe. We are all part of it. We are all connected by the very genetic make up of our beings. And here we spend all this time trying to disconnect ourselves from each other. To artificially isolate ourselves from reality. To indulge in artificiality.

There is so much out there, why can't we see past our front porch?

I'm following my husband's blog now...

2009-12-13T13:01:00.000-08:00

I know I mentioned before that my awesome husband, Marcus, wasn't going to be contributing to the blogosphere anymore. But I have some great news! He decided to pick it up again using our old blog. I will keep writing here of course, but it will be great that he and I will have our own blogs as we continue to ponder on the strange realities of religion and life!

Welcome back, Marcus! ;)

Religion and Codependency

2009-12-12T05:33:00.000-08:00

A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking A LOT about codependent relationships. And not just any kind of codependent relationships, I'm talking about the ones in between people and religion.

I've seen these kinds of relationships within my own family, and within certain work environments I have experienced as well. A codependent relationship usually involves two people, the abuser and the enabler. I found this list of questions, to which a positive answer may be a sign of codependency, and I was surprised at just how many could be answered "yes" with the LDS church (and dogmatic religion in general) in mind.

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes... and Yes.

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings? Yes

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others? I would say yes.

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you? This one I would have to say probably not...

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with? "These are the latter days. Satan has never had more power over the hearts of men. We must do everything we can to fight the powers of Satan, with the movies we choose, the company we keep, and ... oh... be sure to come to the church Christmas party on Saturday!"

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems? Does three hours on Sunday and asking members for two daily personal prayers count?

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love? Yes. You have to lose yourself in Christ. You have to remove your identity and become of one mind, one heart, and one spirit.

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you? "We sacrifice for Christ."

So dogmatic religion (i.e. lds church), to me, has all the traits of an abusive codependent. Now all it needs is some enablers. And it has millions of them. An enabler is essentially, for lack of a better word, the victim in these relationships. They are constantly seeking approval, but never being "good enough." No matter how hard they try to please the abuser, no matter what costs or sacrifices they make, they will ALWAYS be flawed.

This reminded me of a very friendly lady in my ward. A couple of months ago, while she was visiting teaching me, she was trying to relate to me and I suppose "find common ground." I was telling her how I thought the temple was creepy and weird. She was silent for a few moments before she said, "we all have our trials and our issues." she then proceeded to tell me how she wasn't "perfect" either. Now this woman is the ideal TBM woman. She follows through with ALL of her callings. She is a homemaker, a mother, and a very faithful woman. So I just had to smile inwardly as she proceeded to berate herself for sometimes falling asleep while reading her daily 30 minutes of scripture. Or for forgetting to pray until after she got out of bed and did some of her morning routine (even though she still remembered to pray before breakfast, I think she was referring to forgetting to pray RIGHT when she woke up).

The sad thing is, as she spoke, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. She wasn't saying these things in a superficial or perfunctory way. She really meant them. She really believed that she was not "good enough." She was still inadequate. I could see her intense displeasure with herself as she said these words.

Codependent abusers also make unrealistic demands of the enabler. Demands they will never be able to fulfill so in the end, the enabler will always come up short. Church members are often told "Be ye perfect." And when they mean perfect, they mean 100% perfectly following and doing all that the church dictates and commands you should. But of course, no real person could ever live up to that.

So, with religion, it seems that you will never be good enough in this life. You will always be working to get better. Is it any wonder so many people suffer with self-deprecation? When I was struggling to believe in the church I knew was false, I hated myself for not believing. Because it had been ingrained in me that to not believe was an inherent flaw. I was fighting the "natural man" (and logic, reason, historical facts, etc.). I hated myself for not having the testimony I should have. That was because although I didn't have faith in all the supernatural claims of the church, I still was participating in, and enabling a codependent relationship.

Sundays

2009-12-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

Although the fallout from me leaving the church hasn't completely settled, my parents and I are definitely on speaking terms, and things are very slowly becoming more tolerable. (Although I had a rather humorous episode on the phone early this morning when my mom offered to buy me cable so I could watch the BYU channel.)

Anyways, lately, my parents have been taking my daughter to church. Now, every time they have taken her, they have asked before hand for permission. I really don't have a problem with it. In fact I think she might be having fun going to nursery and playing with other little ones her age. And honestly, I enjoy the three hours of free babysitting every Sunday.

But is this a good idea? I'm concerned that I may be giving my parents a false hope that I am going to go back to church or something. I also don't want my little one to be confused about what to believe as she grows older.

Does anyone else have this conundrum? How do they deal with it? Have any problems been made manifest in familial relationships or in children? Thoughts?

Welcome to the Universe

2009-12-06T09:18:00.001-08:00

This is the first part in a series I started to watch. Oh and did you know that 2009 is the International Year of Astronomy?

Pantheist Reading List

2009-11-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

For one of my classes this semester, I had to create an annotated bibliography on a topic of my choice. In other words, I had to create a guide to sources for someone interested in learning more about a certain topic. I chose the topic of Pantheism, and am happy to say that this assignment was a great way for me to create my own "To Read List." I'm posting it here for anyone who may be interested (some of the resources listed here may also be appealing to astronomy geeks, atheists, agnostics, those interested in nature based spirituality, or anyone wanting to know more about these topics). Some of the resources listed are websites, instead of books. I look forward to reading a lot of these!

Aurelius, Marcus (1964). Mediations. (M. Staniforth, Trans.). New York, NY: The Penguin Group.

These insightful musings of the philosopher emperor Marcus Aurelius are a source of great discussion among pantheists. This is because the text concerns itself so much with how to live a life in harmony with nature and humanity. Stoic philosophy, of which Marcus Aurelius writes abundantly, is also a secular way with which pantheists deal with real world problems. This edition contains an authoritative translation by Maxwell Staniforth.

Barrow, John D. (2008). New Theories of Everything. New York, NY: Oxford University Press, USA.

A book with engaging philosophical naturalism that delves into the topics of cosmology, physics, and the laws of nature. The author, who is an astronomy professor, guides the reader through the latest developments in theoretical physics.

Boswell, John. (2009). The Symphony of Science. http://www.symphonyofscience.com

“The Symphony of Science is a musical project by John Boswell designed to deliver scientific knowledge and philosophy in musical form.” As of November 29, 2009, three videos have been created and uploaded by Jon Boswell. These three videos entitled “A Glorious Dawn,” “We Are All Connected,” and “Our Place in the Cosmos.” All three videos feature Carl Sagan, as well as other prominent scientists and commentators (Stephen Hawking, Neil deGrasse Tyson, etc.). The artist uses synthesizers to highlight profound ideas in science, physics, and current knowledge of the natural world. These videos have been a favorite to many pantheist forums and websites in recent months.

Goodenough, Ursula. (2000). The Sacred Depths of Nature. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

This book is a good resource for those considering religious naturalism. Ursula Goodenough is a molecular scientist who recognizes the spirituality inherent in nature. This book bridges the gap between religion and science making them wholly compatible with each other. It touches the subjects of sexuality, death, evolution and emotions. This book is filled with reflections of reverence for nature.

Harrison, Paul. (2004). Elements of pantheism. Llumina Pr.

This book covers the core beliefs of pantheism. It illustrates pantheistic belief systems throughout history to the present, and makes note of philosophers and scientists alike who could be labeled as pantheist. It also contains information on Pantheist ceremony and mediation, as well as current controversies within the study and belief of pantheism.

Hartshorne, Charles, & Reese, William L. (2000). Philosophers Speak of God. Amherst, NY: Humanity Books.

This is a scholarly study of the history of pantheism and panentheism (a belief that nature is a part of but not the whole of God). It contains many philosophical writings explaining the nature of religious philosophy and the love of knowledge. These philosophical writings also critique many theological conceptions of deity.

On Truth and Reality. (2009). On Truth and Reality: Philosophy Physics Metaphysics of Space, Wave Structure Matter. http://www.spaceandmotion.com/

This website, though not explicitly pantheistic, contains many pantheistic beliefs, philosophies, and overall exhibits a wonder in the natural world. Links to articles about ancient philosophy, evolution, and more all offer the reader insights into the natural world and why it is so amazing and how we are all connected.

Russell, Sharman. (2009). Standing in the light: My Life as a Pantheist. New York, NY: PublicAffairs.

This book is Russell’s memoir. Writing about life following a pantheistic belief system, the author touches on many aspects of pantheism, and provides many references and insightful literature for further reading. The book details the nature of the cosmos and the interconnectedness of everything.

Sagan, Carl. (1980). Cosmos. New York, NY: The Random House Publishing Group.

A quotable favorite for pantheists, this book details the cosmos as we know it to be. Sagan exhibits awe and wonder as he describes the nature of the solar system, astrophysics, the earth, its beginnings, and our position in the cosmos. He writes in a way that is understandable for those who do not have a background in science. This book was also a TV series in the early 80s.

Sagan, Carl. (2006). The Varieties of Scientific Experience: a Personal View of the Search for God. New York, NY: The Penguin Press.

This posthumous publication was based on Carl Sagan’s 1985 Giffon Lectures in Scotland. It examines the theistic ideas in the context of science and provides reasons behind his beliefs concerning deity. With beautiful pictures and an engaging text concerning topics from the origins of the cosmos, to the likelihood of life on other planets, Sagan writes of science as a new way of “informed worship.”

Suzuki, D. (2002). The Sacred Balance: Rediscovering Our Place in Nature. Seattle, WA: The Mountaineers.

This book explains and describes ways readers can live more fulfilling lives by being in tune with the natural world. It provides many call to actions, which the reader can take to start living a more ecologically conscious way of life.

World Pantheism. (2009). PANTHEISM: The World Pantheist Movement. http://www.pantheism.net/

This website is a great source for pantheists or those interested in learning more about pantheism. It provides many links, resources, networks, and recommended readings for a variety of topics within pantheistic thought. This is truly a great online resource.

It's against my religion to talk about it.

2009-11-29T12:50:00.000-08:00

I saw this youtube video today with Scientology Church spokesman Tommy Davis. This is taken from an interview on ABC News Nightline last month. He walks off the set when the interviewer persists in asking him about Lord Xenu. Anyways, I couldn't help but think as I watched it, that a Mormon, put in the same setting and being asked specific questions about the endowment ceremony would react the same way. Note the indignation and offense. Seriously, as you watch it, just replace the questions with deep mormon doctrine found in the temple, and pretend this guy was a member of the LDS church. Couldn't you foresee similar reactions? (Although I admit, Church PR would probably react better than this guy did, however, I am thinking of just a regular active member reacting to these questions.)

It's easy for people to poke fun at Scientology because its a brand new religion (comparatively speaking), but isn't it plain to see the convenience in not being able to talk about certain things because "it's against my religion" or "too sacred to talk about"?

I remember one time in Sunday school when I was 14 years old, we were talking about the temple in our Mia Maid Class. The topic that we get a new name in the temple was brought up by one of us girls. We all became excited as we talked about it when suddenly my Young Women's teacher burst out hysterically, "It's the Temple! We don't talk about the temple!" She proceeded to cry for the next few minutes while the rest of us sat their in stunned silence. I remember as we were finally leaving class, and after my teacher had recuperated, she said, "Don't worry. There is no need to be scared of the Temple." She had seen the fear in our eyes.

This leads me to note another parallel in Mormonism and Scientology. Not all members are privy to the special information given to those who have progressed further in the religion, and when they do progress and have paid what they need to or "are ready," they are told not to talk to other members about what they have learned. If the topic comes up, they must say "it's too sacred" or too "taken out of context" or "offensive" to talk about. It's almost like they know that people are going to think, "wow, that's nuts." What a great way to nip that response in the bud.

Pretty convenient actually.

We Are All Connected

2009-11-28T17:18:00.000-08:00

I keep watching this over and over. It never gets old.

Turkey, Family, and Considering Cosmic Quandaries

2009-11-27T17:28:00.000-08:00

Today we had Thanksgiving at my grandmother's (I know a day late). And I feel I got to share my new found (embryonic) beliefs with my family, although I don't think they even picked up on it. My uncle was talking about a new Black Eyed Peas song called "One Tribe" and started commenting how he liked it because it encouraged everyone to see that there is no "other" and that race is just something we create to divide ourselves. I took the opportunity to say, that I agreed and took it a step further to say we are all "part of one whole. There is only one universe and we are all connected." Of course my husband leaned over to me and mentioned the word "pantheism." I think he was the only one who picked up on what I was actually saying. Everyone else though politely agreed. I'm pretty sure they didn't really understand my perspective however, as all my extended family still thinks I'm an active Mormon. I'm sure that when I said the word "we" they didn't realize I meant everything, as in people, animals, rocks, trees, etc.

By the way, I don't mind letting them think I am a TBM for now, because as long as they don't know, I feel what I say will have more of an impact then when they do find out. But I know it's only a matter of time before my parents spill the beans.

Desiderata

2009-11-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann

About

2009-11-19T20:45:00.000-08:00

After recently leaving my Mormon faith, I am trying to cope with 'coming out' to my True Believing Mormon (TBM) family. The purpose of this blog is for me to document my experiences as I wade through the uncertain waters of self-reflection. Although I don't consider myself to be a member of any religion (any more), religion is still a fascinating subject for me.

I love the writings of Carl Sagan, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius, and occasionally linger in metaphysical daydreams. My current beliefs are very similar if not equivalent to pantheism. However, at this point, I can't say anything for certain. I grew up 'knowing' that the LDS church was 'true,' and because of this, I never really asked meaningful questions about reality, life, or ethics until recently. In some ways, although I don't regret being raised in Mormonism, I feel stunted because I never explored the nature of 'spirituality' beyond the confines of Mormon doctrine.

Although I may occasionally write about Mormonism (seeing as the bulk of my experience with religion was with the LDS church), I hope readers will understand that these are my personal experiences, and are not meant for TBMs who may be uncomfortable with asking tough questions about their faith.

-Hypatia
November, 2009

Contact

2008-11-20T15:35:00.000-08:00