I just got an email from my mother that, was, well, unexpected. We've been communicating through email since the horrible episode a month ago, despite a few attempts to get me on the phone. Well, after a recent exchange of emails, I noticed a real shift in tone. My mother actually admitted to the abuse. She even used the word "abuse" and apologized. She acknowledged my need for space, and told me about her new medication and treatment she was receiving.
I'm scared. I know I shouldn't be. I should be happy there seems to be an improvement with her. The thing is I've never done this before. So I don't know what the right thing to do is. I want to have that sliver of hope that we could have a normal relationship, but I'm am scared to do that because I don't want to hurt again. This is the first time I've essentially "cut her off." I've read that I need to treat codependents like addicts; tell them to get help or limit the relationship. I finally did that and she seems to kind of "get it." She has never "got it" before.
I was very frank and honest with her the past two days, which is unexpected of me because when I have been honest in the past, she hasn't taken it well or just picked pieces of what I said or wrote and argued with me. So I was so surprised, when I explained to her that I just can't blame myself that the only relationship I can have with my mother is through email. I can't blame myself for the fact that I don't trust her. I was very honest and I got a very tempered and close to rational response from her. Which is kind of a big deal.
After some confusion, a funny email from my mother, and some introspective pondering after listening to Alan Watts lectures, I found myself changing my description of my religious leanings on facebook, yet again. Here it is:
Spirituality is something that I feel I've been needing. I don't mean spiritual in the religious, "ghostly," sense, but I mean it in feeling that connectedness that gives me a real high to be alive. Is it possible to experience it via some sort of mythos personifying nature or reality as it is? Is it possible to listen to music or read literature inspired by mythology that personifies nature? Not to be taken literally but to use as a tool for spiritual experience?
I remember once, when I was 16 or so, my mother sat me down at the kitchen table. With a very serious expression on her face, she asked, "Hypatia, are you using drugs?"