Seeking Desideratum: April 2010

These are my mom's texts. These are mine.




Our missionaries have a goal of teaching a certain number of lessons a week. They came over today. It was really good to have them here. These two guys are very fun! Would you like to come when they come next time?


Em… No.. Do you really think I don’t know what the church teaches?


I see you as a part of the fold. That is why I asked. I know you know. It is just to support their efforts. No one here is planning on baptizing you. Silly!


Mom, I don’t consider myself lds. I am not a sheep to be part of a “fold”.


When you say you are not lds it really hurts me. What can I say that is something that would hurt you? Is there anything? Think about it and then answer me. I would like to know.


Please stop trying to control who I am by saying such things.


You cannot determine and control the way I feel. What I feel is what I feel. Maybe you just don’t want me to tell you my feelings.



I am not interested in controlling the person you are. Neither have I ever tried to take control of you. I remember teaching you and leaving the decisions to you. Do you resent that I told you shorts were for the beach and sports and did not let you wear it to school?


What does that have to do with anything?


I know what I wish and what I can do are different things. I have no influence whatsoever in who you are. The world you are exposed to is what influences you.


Yes! Oh yes! I am so “exposed” to the world.


Do you resent that I had high expectations for you? You would not have married Marcus if you had not have the life you had, with the teachings you had.


You can say that about anyone! Everyone has the life they had based on experiences they have growing up. What does this have to do with anything?! I know what the church is. I just don’t believe in it. Why can’t you face the facts?


WOW! I hope people are as nice to [Marcus’s Sister who is on a mission]. I DIDN’T realize how hateful you are that you cannot even hear anything. It is shocking to me.You would like to claim that someone that doesn’t like who you are because you don’t believe are shallow. There is no depth at all in who you are. I really don’t like shallow people.



I never made the claim that people are shallow because they don’t agree with me.


Hypatia, by exposed I meant that I protected you and obviously you are angry because of it.

It is unfortunate that you are choosing to put words in my mouth. No matter what I say and no matter what I do, you will think whatever you want to think about me. Please don’t talk to me about this anymore. I am done with this discussion. None of this has been constructive for either of us. Time to drop it.


I face the facts everyday. Remember, I endure, something that you don’t think you know what it is. It is what I am going through when I feel your ire towards something so dear to me. Am I shallow?


When I said face the facts, I meant face the fact that I don’t believe.


Because I have no choice? I was taught. I follow because I didn’t kill my faith.



And I don’t “follow” because I didn’t kill my reason.


If I have to deal with you, you will need to deal with me talking about religion. Do you want this arrangement?


If you have to deal with me? Deal with me what? I don’t try to bring up atheism with you. You are ALWAYS bringing up religion with me. Don’t you see how one sided this is?


No, but if I choose to pull away from you because I am hurt. I am shallow because I don’t respect who you are.


How did I hurt you again? Because I don’t believe the way you believe?


Just read what you said about dropping it.


You said I hurt you before that. Anyways I am dropping this now, bye.

I will say, I did have a short fuse to begin with. I was absolutely bewildered that she would ask me to meet with the missionaries. After all our conversations. After all the tears. After all the times I have tried to explain myself to her... and she is treating me like I've never said a word to her!


Anyways, after this text war she proceeded to call me and let me have it. It was a disaster. Marcus was telling me the whole time to keep a steady head and be dispassionate as she hurled insults at me. At one point she was screaming and crying that she wanted to give up this "shit" meaning the church. And then I asked her if she took her medicine (she is on anti depressants and anti anxiety pills). Then she screamed at me, "Why don't you read the scriptures?! That could be a kind of medicine for you!"


After a total mental breakdown, the line dropped. She didn't call me but texted me about an hour later. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was working on my taxes (which I was). Then she wrote:


Daughter, I must love unconditionally, and that I do. It would be easy if I did not care. I fear the passing years will make us strangers.


Don't worry about that kind of thing. Worrying doesn't do anything.



I am officially tucking you in. I love you. Good night.


Love you too. Night.



What a fucking roller coaster.

Text Wars