Life has been too busy to notice that I'm avoiding things. My extended family hasn't seen me in the longest time. And it's not like they live far away, they don't, but I just have avoided opportunities to visit with them, and I certainly have not gone out of my way to seek them out.
I feel like I've cut them all out. I created a special list on my facebook, that I have blocked from seeing my wall. This list consists of all my family and extended family, and the majority of my mormon friends (though not all). I have this list blocked from my wall, because I feel like I can't be honest with them, and therefore I remove them from my life. (Who would've thought facebook could be such a powerful thing?)
I can't stand duplicity. So I just avoid the confrontation which I know would occur if the fact that I no longer attend church came up at a family gathering. I have this suspicion that they already know. My well intentioned father and my insane mother may have already blabbed to them about my heresy. The thought is unsettling to me, though I frequently remind myself it doesn't matter.
I feel ashamed. Though deep down I know I shouldn't feel ashamed. And yet I do. These are people that I grew up with. They are my family. I looked forward to the summer vacations and the holidays when I would get together and play games with my cousins. After growing up and going away to college, my relations with my extended family became strained because of a stupid family feud. Now they are even more strained because I don't want to turn people against each other by joining the "non-active" side of the family. I don't want to be put on a side within the family. So I have chosen to remove myself from it.
I feel sad things are the way they are. But these are the current state of things. I don't know how to confront reality.